Parent: Protection or Guidance

As parents we all want our children to grow up, without being cheated, having disappointments or failures. We go out of our way to care for their emotions. It hurts us more, when somebody hurts our child. These are natural reactions of parents to a child’s pain. “Do you want me to come and speak to so and so?” Trying to meddle or telling your child how unfair it is, is not really helping.

You are trying to protect your child but in the bargain you are giving a message that everything always has to be right. We as parents need to learn to say, “that’s too bad, better luck next time”. Isn’t that how life really is? It is not fair all the time. So, it is more important for us to prepare our child for what real life throws at them. When they are in your care they are completely protected and will start to expect the same in the future. But, at that time, you may not be there to make things right. Equip them to take things in their stride and make them right themselves. As parents, have the patience to watch your child struggle to achieve something. Take pleasure in the effort they put in. He will be much more satisfied achieving this one, than something you handed him on a platter.

An article by therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine poses a provocative question: is it possible to pay too much attention to your children, setting them up for an inability to cope with real life later?

 

We hope that our child never loses at anything. We know that it is not realistic, we still hope. But, what we are forgetting here is that a loss here and there challenges the child to find another way. When this child is out in the real world, some day, somewhere, there will be somebody better at a particular thing than him/her. At a young age, let him develop the courage to loose and then rise above it to compete. They have to fight their own battles. I have seen a lot of people losing the battles of life, not because they did not have the talent or capability, but because they did not have the right attitude, the endurance or resolution.

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.  ~Robert A. Heinlein

 

Watching your baby grow up is one of the most profound pleasures of parenthood. As we watch them learn new tricks and trades we are all too eager to give them a “good job” or a “well tried”. Sooner or later, saying the “good job” becomes a habit and the child starts expecting it. When they are at their jobs, they will not able to cope with even minor criticism. Hold back a bit on the over-enthusiastic encouragement and give them a frank feedback. Let them know their real strengths and weaknesses.

In short let them fight their own battles. Let them struggle; put the effort to reach where they want to. Be there for them in the background. But don’t be the reason that they reached there. You will not only take away their happiness but also the learning that they could get. At the end of the day you want your children to grow up with self worth and resilience, because these are the qualities that will help them lifelong and more than the memory of their parent protecting them.

Handling fights among siblings

Sibling rivalry and fights; sometimes I find these to be the trickiest thing that parents have to handle once their kids are out of the toddler phase. This is the new challenge. By that age the older child has realized that the new cute addition to the family, who was so much fun to watch and play with in the beginning, is actually a permanent here. He is not going anywhere. He is going to draw all the attention towards himself away from me, because he will always be the younger one and therefore cuter, more helpless and needing protection.

In order to solve this problem as parents, we need to understand the real problem. My son was born when my daughter was 3. She suddenly became the big sister. There was somebody much cuter looking, babbling words, chubbier, softer in the house. So no matter how much importance we gave her, the guests, stranger or outsiders were more interested in my son. They wanted to lift him up talk to him, pull his cheeks, ask him to sing dance etc. This was a 3 yr or 4 yr old child looking for importance due to her, which in my son's absence, she would have received. It is but obvious, that at first she started competing and failed. And then slowly she started resenting him. Since she was a small child, she showed her anger in the wrong way. You find it unfair to your cute little child and correct her or scold her, subconsciously expecting her to be more mature than her age. For me it was a wake-up call, when I observed how differently other people who have a single child her age treated their child. Their children still remained babies and probably always will. I am not sure I agree with that completely, but nevertheless.

It is important to keep rivalry to a minimum because it is one thing that has ruined many a relationship between parent-child as well as siblings. So, now that we understand the child's psychology, we can understand better how to implement the solution. I have boiled it down to the following:

1. Give equal attention and importance to each child. And be aware of it. This seems like a no brainer but very difficult to follow.

2. Do not interfere in their fights. It is very tempting to side with the one who is being exploited but control yourself. It is never a fight between what is right and wrong, it is only a cry for attention. And if you start giving attention to it, that becomes their regular way for gaining attention. So give the fight minimum importance, unless there are some serious rules being broken.

3. Set some strict rules about what cannot be done during a fight and what is acceptable in order to express anger. Like: hitting, kicking, abusing or whatever you think, is banned. While speaking about the present problem and giving each other a chance to explain is allowed. Not speaking to each other for 5 hrs is acceptable. And make sure that they follow the rules consistently. There should be no consideration given to anybody based on size, age, sex or so.

4. Spend one on one time with each child. Allocate at least as little as half an hour daily for each child. Take them out or do some activity with one child alone. Dad can take the son for a ball game or mom can take one for pizza.

5. From time to time discuss in private with each kid, about the problem and solution. Sometimes just lending an understanding ear can solve half the problem. They should know that you are on their side.

And no matter what, there will be fights, arguments and blows flying. Or else what is the meaning of being sibling. Enjoy every aspect.
 

 

Taste preferences of kids

My son likes very specific foods. He strongly likes and dislikes some foods. It always made me wonder if he will ever develop a wide, refined palate like me. Although he eats most of the veggies but he balks on some specific taste that you may not even notice. He is very specific about his comments, like: does this have cardamom, mayo has a bad after taste, I like parmesan or brie but do not like cottage cheese etc. Me being an all eater, I try to widen his choices, sometimes in vain.

It made me wonder if there is some difference between him and me physiologically. And look what I found on the net. I have written about this in my "Food for life" blog too. So it may be a repeat for some of you. Wiki: A supertaster is a person who experiences the sense of taste with far greater intensity than average. This obviously, leads to picky eaters. And the other end of the spectrum are non-tasters. Non-tasters eat wider range of foods and mind you, have higher BMI's. Now, this is completely contrary to what I thought right.

Research says that, whether you're a non-taster or a supertaster or somewhere in-between depends on your sensitivity to a bitter chemical called 6-n-propylthiouracil (PROP). Non-tasters can't taste the bitterness of PROP at all. Medium tasters sense the bitterness but do not mind it, while supertasters find the taste of PROP revolting.

Children taste PROP more strongly and therefore taste the bitterness of foods more. I guess when we say that people acquire taste for bitter vegetables once they become adults, only means that our taste buds become less sensitive to PROP once we grow up. I pity my children for all those times that I forced them to eat their veggies and the bitter ones too.

Supertasters are not only sensitive to the bitter tastes but also to overly fatty, salty and sugary foods. What I gather from this is that, it helps them make healthier choices in foods, but at the same time sometimes keeps them away from foods high in flavonoids as they can be bitter tasting. All in all, supertasters are believed to have better health than non-tasters. So all you mommies stop worrying and look at the big picture.

Kids health

Obesity, Cholesterol, back problems have so far been linked to middle age or old age. But, recently we have seen more and more kids being affected by these. Kids health has become of foremost concern. Young people in their twenties are suffering from heart attacks. Lifestyles have changed; and changed for the worse. In cities, children have small play areas and sometimes no play area at all. We as parents need to increase awareness and do our bit in maintaining a healthy lifestyle for our children.

Just like all of us adults, healthy kids have 3 healthy habits: They eat healthy, exercise or play, and sleep well. Eating healthy does not come to us humans naturally. We are all naturally wired to like unhealthy or fatty foods. Let us see why. Originally humans had to roam the jungles in search of food. And it was found in scarcity. So, when they found food, they ate as much as possible and chose the fattiest foods as they provided most energy for survival. We haven't changed much. But our environment is completely different now. Since farming started, food has been available in abundance. This has lead to overeating and overweight.

Children know very little. As adults it is our responsibility to guide or for that matter even control their food choices. We need to regulate their habits and activities. As parents we are the ones who buy the groceries and cook the food. It is up to us, what we put on the table.
1. Buy a variety of healthy foods.
2. Keep your pantry stuffed with high fiber , high protein, low fat snacks.  If kids find snacks ready to grab when they need, they are less likely to snack on junk.
3. Kids like colorful attractive looking food. Cut different vegetables and fruits in various shapes. Invest in a good food processor and it will help in cutting down you prep time.
4. As far as possible cook at home. Loads of quick and simple recipes are available online. Home made food is fresh, low in sodium and made from higher quality ingredients.
5. Small amount of food eaten often is key to a healthy body. Overloading the body with food at one time makes us lethargic. Small quantities eaten often will give just enough energy and keep kids active.
6. Each meal should include protein. Protein keeps us full longer and will lower our carbohydrate intake which increases weight and fat.
7. Cut down on some of the carbohydrate and replace it with a portion of protein.
8. Including healthy fats in the diet keep the joints lubricated and skin healthy. Ghee, olive oil, rice bran oil, mustard oil are all good choices. Make sure the oils do not smoke while cooking. Heating  oils up to smoking point makes them rancid and takes away all the health benefits.
9. Never force feed or insist encourage them to eat over their appetite. If they get into the habit of ignoring their natural body signals of satiation, they will soon get used to overeating.

Burn what you eat. This will maintain a high metabolism. Encourage kids to be physically active. Be active yourself. Limit the TV time to half an hour on weekdays and 1hr on weekends. You will observe that when kids watch less TV, they have much more free time at their disposal. Join sports or activity classes. There is nothing better than doing an activity together or playing a game. Go trekking. If they develop a taste for an active lifestyle they will make similar choices in the future.

Last but not the least: sleep. Sufficient sleep is very important for children. They have an active mind and bodies. They need more sleep than adults do, to replenish their energy, organize their thoughts and save all the day's learning. Maintaining a constant sleep cycle, regulates metabolism and weight. Share your thoughts and ideas on: How to make our next generation healthier.

Discipling kids

Disciplining kids is a tricky task. What works with one kid may not work for others. But I would say that, the most important policy is to be consistently consistent. The repetition of the word is only to stress the fact that consistency is of extreme importance. It is the sole distinguisher between a parent who kids obey and a parent who kids do not obey. No matter what system you follow, you have to follow it to the T. If the child senses you slipping he/she will start manipulating you. Whenever you say something, the kids should know that you mean it. If they do not follow it there will be consequences to face. Avoid making unrealistic threats, like," Back answer again and you will never get to touch that remote", since not following through will weaken all your threats.  Most often than not parents start off with a bang, but loose the momentum soon. The rules that we enforce have to remain constant. When you start seeing good results you cannot start being lenient.

Discipline can be different at different ages. A toddler can be disciplined with a time-out or naughty corner concept. As per the age of the child he spends time in a corner or room, alone. So if it is a 2 yr. old then 2 min. For a 4 yr. old 4 minutes. Here too, it is important that you follow through with this. If you have told the child to go into time out you have to make sure that they do. It should not be a common threat throughout the day, which is rarely enforced. If the child refuses to go, you hold him/her take her there and sit her down and hold her there gently yet firmly. Avoid making any conversation during this time. This should be a time when the child thinks about his/her actions and their consequences. At this time if they are engaged in arguments or explanations, they will loose out on the purpose of it. Explain to them what they have done wrong, before they are in time-out, not during.

For older children, 6 and above, you need a slightly different approach. One system that my husband follows, and which works best for us is a point system. Each child maintains a chart of ticks and crosses. There is a rule book for how you earn or loose points. And each point can be en-cashed for an amount. In our case, each point is Rs.40 (approx. 60 cents). So, when we go shopping, they can buy whatever they want worth the points that they have accumulated. Here they are getting rewarded for good behavior and also punished for bad one. They like this system as they feel like they are in control. They are eager to earn points. Our rules are e.g. 1. Taking a bath before 7.00 pm. 2 points. 2. Bath just before 8.00 pm 1 point. 3. Going to bed after 9.15 pm 1 cross. etc. I think you have got the gist of it. You can make your own rules and it is always a good idea to think them through before you set them. Changing them later will make the kids think that, rules can be changed and are negotiable.

Teenagers may seem like they have grown up and understand the rules by now, but they need to be reminded every once in a while. We need to deal with teenagers lot a more sensitively. With the hormones surging, an authoritarian tone does not go down well with them. Treat them as equals. Use reasoning more than enforcing. Remember what we were like, at their age and deal with them the way we would have wanted our parents to deal with us. When your teen breaks rules, along with taking away privileges, discuss with them about their action, always being on their side. Do not point mistakes, only explain what they should do the next time. Similar to the above point system, let them earn a night where you relax the rules for them. At this age, more than any other, an occasional flexibility on the parents side shows that you understand them. It is important to maintain the trust and not only become a disciplinarian.

At then end of the day, every house has their own rules and parenting styles. Feel free to share your views with us. Happy Parenting!!