Parent: Protection or Guidance

As parents we all want our children to grow up, without being cheated, having disappointments or failures. We go out of our way to care for their emotions. It hurts us more, when somebody hurts our child. These are natural reactions of parents to a child’s pain. “Do you want me to come and speak to so and so?” Trying to meddle or telling your child how unfair it is, is not really helping.

You are trying to protect your child but in the bargain you are giving a message that everything always has to be right. We as parents need to learn to say, “that’s too bad, better luck next time”. Isn’t that how life really is? It is not fair all the time. So, it is more important for us to prepare our child for what real life throws at them. When they are in your care they are completely protected and will start to expect the same in the future. But, at that time, you may not be there to make things right. Equip them to take things in their stride and make them right themselves. As parents, have the patience to watch your child struggle to achieve something. Take pleasure in the effort they put in. He will be much more satisfied achieving this one, than something you handed him on a platter.

An article by therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine poses a provocative question: is it possible to pay too much attention to your children, setting them up for an inability to cope with real life later?

 

We hope that our child never loses at anything. We know that it is not realistic, we still hope. But, what we are forgetting here is that a loss here and there challenges the child to find another way. When this child is out in the real world, some day, somewhere, there will be somebody better at a particular thing than him/her. At a young age, let him develop the courage to loose and then rise above it to compete. They have to fight their own battles. I have seen a lot of people losing the battles of life, not because they did not have the talent or capability, but because they did not have the right attitude, the endurance or resolution.

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.  ~Robert A. Heinlein

 

Watching your baby grow up is one of the most profound pleasures of parenthood. As we watch them learn new tricks and trades we are all too eager to give them a “good job” or a “well tried”. Sooner or later, saying the “good job” becomes a habit and the child starts expecting it. When they are at their jobs, they will not able to cope with even minor criticism. Hold back a bit on the over-enthusiastic encouragement and give them a frank feedback. Let them know their real strengths and weaknesses.

In short let them fight their own battles. Let them struggle; put the effort to reach where they want to. Be there for them in the background. But don’t be the reason that they reached there. You will not only take away their happiness but also the learning that they could get. At the end of the day you want your children to grow up with self worth and resilience, because these are the qualities that will help them lifelong and more than the memory of their parent protecting them.