Sibling rivalry and fights; sometimes I find these to be the trickiest thing
that parents have to handle once their kids are out of the toddler phase. This
is the new challenge. By that age the older child has realized that the new
cute addition to the family, who was so much fun to watch and play with in the
beginning, is actually a permanent here. He is not going anywhere. He is going
to draw all the attention towards himself away from me, because he will always
be the younger one and therefore cuter, more helpless and needing protection.
In order to solve this problem as parents, we need to understand the real problem. My son was born when my daughter was 3. She suddenly became the big sister. There was somebody much cuter looking, babbling words, chubbier, softer in the house. So no matter how much importance we gave her, the guests, stranger or outsiders were more interested in my son. They wanted to lift him up talk to him, pull his cheeks, ask him to sing dance etc. This was a 3 yr or 4 yr old child looking for importance due to her, which in my son's absence, she would have received. It is but obvious, that at first she started competing and failed. And then slowly she started resenting him. Since she was a small child, she showed her anger in the wrong way. You find it unfair to your cute little child and correct her or scold her, subconsciously expecting her to be more mature than her age. For me it was a wake-up call, when I observed how differently other people who have a single child her age treated their child. Their children still remained babies and probably always will. I am not sure I agree with that completely, but nevertheless.
It is important to keep rivalry to a minimum because it is one thing that has ruined many a relationship between parent-child as well as siblings. So, now that we understand the child's psychology, we can understand better how to implement the solution. I have boiled it down to the following:
1. Give equal attention and importance to each child. And be aware of it. This seems like a no brainer but very difficult to follow.
2. Do not interfere in their fights. It is very tempting to side with the one who is being exploited but control yourself. It is never a fight between what is right and wrong, it is only a cry for attention. And if you start giving attention to it, that becomes their regular way for gaining attention. So give the fight minimum importance, unless there are some serious rules being broken.
3. Set some strict rules about what cannot be done during a fight and what is acceptable in order to express anger. Like: hitting, kicking, abusing or whatever you think, is banned. While speaking about the present problem and giving each other a chance to explain is allowed. Not speaking to each other for 5 hrs is acceptable. And make sure that they follow the rules consistently. There should be no consideration given to anybody based on size, age, sex or so.
4. Spend one on one time with each child. Allocate at least as little as half an hour daily for each child. Take them out or do some activity with one child alone. Dad can take the son for a ball game or mom can take one for pizza.
5. From time to time discuss in private with each kid, about the problem and solution. Sometimes just lending an understanding ear can solve half the problem. They should know that you are on their side.
And no matter what, there will be fights, arguments and blows flying. Or else what is the meaning of being sibling. Enjoy every aspect.
In order to solve this problem as parents, we need to understand the real problem. My son was born when my daughter was 3. She suddenly became the big sister. There was somebody much cuter looking, babbling words, chubbier, softer in the house. So no matter how much importance we gave her, the guests, stranger or outsiders were more interested in my son. They wanted to lift him up talk to him, pull his cheeks, ask him to sing dance etc. This was a 3 yr or 4 yr old child looking for importance due to her, which in my son's absence, she would have received. It is but obvious, that at first she started competing and failed. And then slowly she started resenting him. Since she was a small child, she showed her anger in the wrong way. You find it unfair to your cute little child and correct her or scold her, subconsciously expecting her to be more mature than her age. For me it was a wake-up call, when I observed how differently other people who have a single child her age treated their child. Their children still remained babies and probably always will. I am not sure I agree with that completely, but nevertheless.
It is important to keep rivalry to a minimum because it is one thing that has ruined many a relationship between parent-child as well as siblings. So, now that we understand the child's psychology, we can understand better how to implement the solution. I have boiled it down to the following:
1. Give equal attention and importance to each child. And be aware of it. This seems like a no brainer but very difficult to follow.
2. Do not interfere in their fights. It is very tempting to side with the one who is being exploited but control yourself. It is never a fight between what is right and wrong, it is only a cry for attention. And if you start giving attention to it, that becomes their regular way for gaining attention. So give the fight minimum importance, unless there are some serious rules being broken.
3. Set some strict rules about what cannot be done during a fight and what is acceptable in order to express anger. Like: hitting, kicking, abusing or whatever you think, is banned. While speaking about the present problem and giving each other a chance to explain is allowed. Not speaking to each other for 5 hrs is acceptable. And make sure that they follow the rules consistently. There should be no consideration given to anybody based on size, age, sex or so.
4. Spend one on one time with each child. Allocate at least as little as half an hour daily for each child. Take them out or do some activity with one child alone. Dad can take the son for a ball game or mom can take one for pizza.
5. From time to time discuss in private with each kid, about the problem and solution. Sometimes just lending an understanding ear can solve half the problem. They should know that you are on their side.
And no matter what, there will be fights, arguments and blows flying. Or else what is the meaning of being sibling. Enjoy every aspect.
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