Parent: Protection or Guidance

As parents we all want our children to grow up, without being cheated, having disappointments or failures. We go out of our way to care for their emotions. It hurts us more, when somebody hurts our child. These are natural reactions of parents to a child’s pain. “Do you want me to come and speak to so and so?” Trying to meddle or telling your child how unfair it is, is not really helping.

You are trying to protect your child but in the bargain you are giving a message that everything always has to be right. We as parents need to learn to say, “that’s too bad, better luck next time”. Isn’t that how life really is? It is not fair all the time. So, it is more important for us to prepare our child for what real life throws at them. When they are in your care they are completely protected and will start to expect the same in the future. But, at that time, you may not be there to make things right. Equip them to take things in their stride and make them right themselves. As parents, have the patience to watch your child struggle to achieve something. Take pleasure in the effort they put in. He will be much more satisfied achieving this one, than something you handed him on a platter.

An article by therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine poses a provocative question: is it possible to pay too much attention to your children, setting them up for an inability to cope with real life later?

 

We hope that our child never loses at anything. We know that it is not realistic, we still hope. But, what we are forgetting here is that a loss here and there challenges the child to find another way. When this child is out in the real world, some day, somewhere, there will be somebody better at a particular thing than him/her. At a young age, let him develop the courage to loose and then rise above it to compete. They have to fight their own battles. I have seen a lot of people losing the battles of life, not because they did not have the talent or capability, but because they did not have the right attitude, the endurance or resolution.

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.  ~Robert A. Heinlein

 

Watching your baby grow up is one of the most profound pleasures of parenthood. As we watch them learn new tricks and trades we are all too eager to give them a “good job” or a “well tried”. Sooner or later, saying the “good job” becomes a habit and the child starts expecting it. When they are at their jobs, they will not able to cope with even minor criticism. Hold back a bit on the over-enthusiastic encouragement and give them a frank feedback. Let them know their real strengths and weaknesses.

In short let them fight their own battles. Let them struggle; put the effort to reach where they want to. Be there for them in the background. But don’t be the reason that they reached there. You will not only take away their happiness but also the learning that they could get. At the end of the day you want your children to grow up with self worth and resilience, because these are the qualities that will help them lifelong and more than the memory of their parent protecting them.

Handling fights among siblings

Sibling rivalry and fights; sometimes I find these to be the trickiest thing that parents have to handle once their kids are out of the toddler phase. This is the new challenge. By that age the older child has realized that the new cute addition to the family, who was so much fun to watch and play with in the beginning, is actually a permanent here. He is not going anywhere. He is going to draw all the attention towards himself away from me, because he will always be the younger one and therefore cuter, more helpless and needing protection.

In order to solve this problem as parents, we need to understand the real problem. My son was born when my daughter was 3. She suddenly became the big sister. There was somebody much cuter looking, babbling words, chubbier, softer in the house. So no matter how much importance we gave her, the guests, stranger or outsiders were more interested in my son. They wanted to lift him up talk to him, pull his cheeks, ask him to sing dance etc. This was a 3 yr or 4 yr old child looking for importance due to her, which in my son's absence, she would have received. It is but obvious, that at first she started competing and failed. And then slowly she started resenting him. Since she was a small child, she showed her anger in the wrong way. You find it unfair to your cute little child and correct her or scold her, subconsciously expecting her to be more mature than her age. For me it was a wake-up call, when I observed how differently other people who have a single child her age treated their child. Their children still remained babies and probably always will. I am not sure I agree with that completely, but nevertheless.

It is important to keep rivalry to a minimum because it is one thing that has ruined many a relationship between parent-child as well as siblings. So, now that we understand the child's psychology, we can understand better how to implement the solution. I have boiled it down to the following:

1. Give equal attention and importance to each child. And be aware of it. This seems like a no brainer but very difficult to follow.

2. Do not interfere in their fights. It is very tempting to side with the one who is being exploited but control yourself. It is never a fight between what is right and wrong, it is only a cry for attention. And if you start giving attention to it, that becomes their regular way for gaining attention. So give the fight minimum importance, unless there are some serious rules being broken.

3. Set some strict rules about what cannot be done during a fight and what is acceptable in order to express anger. Like: hitting, kicking, abusing or whatever you think, is banned. While speaking about the present problem and giving each other a chance to explain is allowed. Not speaking to each other for 5 hrs is acceptable. And make sure that they follow the rules consistently. There should be no consideration given to anybody based on size, age, sex or so.

4. Spend one on one time with each child. Allocate at least as little as half an hour daily for each child. Take them out or do some activity with one child alone. Dad can take the son for a ball game or mom can take one for pizza.

5. From time to time discuss in private with each kid, about the problem and solution. Sometimes just lending an understanding ear can solve half the problem. They should know that you are on their side.

And no matter what, there will be fights, arguments and blows flying. Or else what is the meaning of being sibling. Enjoy every aspect.
 

 

Taste preferences of kids

My son likes very specific foods. He strongly likes and dislikes some foods. It always made me wonder if he will ever develop a wide, refined palate like me. Although he eats most of the veggies but he balks on some specific taste that you may not even notice. He is very specific about his comments, like: does this have cardamom, mayo has a bad after taste, I like parmesan or brie but do not like cottage cheese etc. Me being an all eater, I try to widen his choices, sometimes in vain.

It made me wonder if there is some difference between him and me physiologically. And look what I found on the net. I have written about this in my "Food for life" blog too. So it may be a repeat for some of you. Wiki: A supertaster is a person who experiences the sense of taste with far greater intensity than average. This obviously, leads to picky eaters. And the other end of the spectrum are non-tasters. Non-tasters eat wider range of foods and mind you, have higher BMI's. Now, this is completely contrary to what I thought right.

Research says that, whether you're a non-taster or a supertaster or somewhere in-between depends on your sensitivity to a bitter chemical called 6-n-propylthiouracil (PROP). Non-tasters can't taste the bitterness of PROP at all. Medium tasters sense the bitterness but do not mind it, while supertasters find the taste of PROP revolting.

Children taste PROP more strongly and therefore taste the bitterness of foods more. I guess when we say that people acquire taste for bitter vegetables once they become adults, only means that our taste buds become less sensitive to PROP once we grow up. I pity my children for all those times that I forced them to eat their veggies and the bitter ones too.

Supertasters are not only sensitive to the bitter tastes but also to overly fatty, salty and sugary foods. What I gather from this is that, it helps them make healthier choices in foods, but at the same time sometimes keeps them away from foods high in flavonoids as they can be bitter tasting. All in all, supertasters are believed to have better health than non-tasters. So all you mommies stop worrying and look at the big picture.